Ivy: The AU Adventures
by fallen angel overlord
Summary: Some innuendo and stuff but otherwise my attempt to be funny pleasea read and review it means a lot, two chapters up at once! Yay! READ AND REVIEW
1. Creeping Ivy

Creeping Ivy  
  
By the Overlord of Fallen Angels  
  
Disclaimer: Baby no own Soul Calibur, goo-goo-gaa-gaa  
  
Genre: Humour/Adventure  
  
Summary: Lady Isabella Valentine encounters various SC2 characters that have to help her stop a very unpleasant plot against Queen Janet the 24th and the other Royal Families of this AU Europe. (Of my creation, so TM to you)  
  
A/N: This is an AU, it's set in a universe far, far, away yet really close.because I said so. All out weirdness  
  
Lady Isabella Valentine surveyed the party with total boredom. She wasn't the social butterfly her mother had been. Cranston her butler had convinced her to go to this little soiree. She would make sure to leave a lot of dirty dishes for him.  
  
Ivy slowly descended the stairs in her pink gown that displayed her ankles.and the rest of her legs. This was scandalous in the party circles and already Ivy could hear the whispers around her from the women. She snapped out her black and purple fan with the sound of a gunshot.  
  
Since her fathers death her riches had been depleted.but she'd mended all that. As a truly brilliant alchemist and student of the occult (the next person to hiss witch at her back would find a red hot poker stuffed into an unpleasant bodily cavity.and not a nostril either) she'd found a few ways around that.no comment.  
  
'Lady Isabella!' cooed a voice.  
  
'Lady Beatrice!' Ivy said with a mock smile. She had been taught three things in life when dealing with her mother's etiquette lessons.  
  
(1) Always leave it to a man  
  
(2) Always be ladylike and truthful  
  
(3) _Always_ let people take things for face value  
  
Ivy had only bothered to keep number (3) because when someone took something for face value, there was an 80% they'd get it a mile off and a 19% chance they'd be off by a few steps.  
  
A few steps, that was all Ivy needed to manipulate a person. She strode towards Lady Beatrice; she embraced the woman in the red dress and kissed inches from each cheek as her Ladyship did the same, as was the fashion in Paris. Because everyone copied the French!  
  
'Darling I haven't seen you since Paris last spring!'  
  
'I had some things to take care of Beatrice' Ivy said casually. 'You know, glamorous and important.'  
  
'Really dear? Well at least you've started attending parties more often these days, actually dear there's someone I want you to meet! Raphael dear! Raphael!'  
  
The man turned around. His pointed features and cold blue eyes met the sharp gaze of Ivy. 'Raphael dear, this is Isabella, of the London Valentine's.'  
  
'Ah yes, your father died recently, followed by your mother' he said. 'A most tragic happening my condolences. Your father was a most eccentric person'  
  
'I hope that is not meant as an insult' Ivy said swiftly. That vase looked near enough to calmly bash him over the head with.no! Not at a party! Maybe when he went outside she'd find a large rock.NO! Bad idea!  
  
'Quite the contrary, he was eccentric, ergo an interesting fellow. Slightly obsessed but who is not in this world?'  
  
'Perhaps I am not obsessed?' she suggested.  
  
'My dear Lady Valentine.may I call you Isabella?' he began, pausing for an answer.she nodded. He continued. 'Did you or did you not give two dukes and a Count a heart attack by displaying your ankles in public?'  
  
Isabella shifted gracefully and raised a hand to his face. 'To the point Monsieur' she purred seductively.  
  
'Are you not obsessed with making waves in this boring little social lake?'  
  
'Lakes have currents.rarely what could be called waves.' Ivy laughed.  
  
'True.but that makes your actions all the more impressive in outcome'  
  
Ivy trailed her gloved fingers to his chin and casually shut his mouth. 'Flattery gets you most places.but not my bedchambers.'  
  
And with that she strode away. Beatrice scurried up after her. 'Magnificent specimen isn't he? And single! A bachelor for all 29 years of his life!'  
  
'Isn't it obscene for a lady of 25 to marry? In short is it not a bit "late" to quote the good countess Malonjiez' she tossed her white hair towards the woman. 'It's not my fault that I've buried three husbands already.'  
  
She was quite sure that at least two had been dead.  
  
The countess froze as Beatrice and Ivy passed by, caught mid gossip, her mouth flapped like a fishes. Ivy tilted her head in the Countess's direction and gave the woman a reason to search for a drink.  
  
Ivy took a seat on a sofa and Beatrice sat in beside her. 'Ivy, darling you were married at 17.as is the appropriate fashion.you had three husbands, indeed older and all rich.you are sole heiress to their vast wealth.do you not desire someone to share it with?'  
  
'Beatrice, darling, I have as much need for another husband as Duke Henry of York needs that oversized boil on his nose'  
  
Ivy crossed her legs firmly giving a signal the conversation was over. Beatrice shook her head. 'Well I don't like the fact you have that enormous home in the country and insist on allowing the boathouse to be used as a clinic for the lower classes!'  
  
Ivy shook her head. Her white hair shimmered beautifully as she thought about Lady Beatrice Hemingsly of London.  
  
She wasn't a bad person as far as the upper classes went.she knew her Butlers first name, her (clean) servants last names and when shrieking for what she wanted didn't work. She was one of the few people Ivy could stand (for periods of time within reason) while at a party.  
  
'I opened that clinic in the boathouse because I have three boathouses on said estate. And secondly, the fact they needed it is a major factor'  
  
'Thank Heavens you built that other road and entrance for them.I personally wouldn't want them coming through my garden. And as another matter, you should have a man in your town home, that horrible murderer is still on the loose.that Cutter of London, he prays on women you know!'  
  
There was an "A" instead of an "E" in that.  
  
'Should I worry if he kneels on my and praises his religion?' Ivy asked with her voice becoming less and less interested.  
  
Beatrice blinked in a confused manner.  
  
Ivy shook her head again. 'Beatrice, I believe another guest has arrive, go and greet her.'  
  
'Oh my goodness! Yes!' exclaimed Beatrice scurrying towards the ballroom doors as a servant announced the entrance of a short, balding, plump, uniformed Colonel with a monocle and his tall thin sour faced wife with a steely grey bun.  
  
Ivy took the opportunity to sneak out into the rose garden. She slipped through the double doors and breathed in the midnight blue air of the hours of darkness.  
  
Her skin was practically white in the moons gaze. Her hair shone majestically as she examined the red rose. Cupping the blossom in her dainty fingers she sniffed the aroma with a smile. And then she paused; something strange was happening.she could feel it in her minds eye. Apparently it was a gift. She gazed around as her eyes pierced the darkness; her ears caught the sounds of heavy breathing. She slowly paced to the corner and spotted the four men dart over the wall and entered the servants' entrance. They were unmistakeably carrying swords therefore they were there to kill or rob or both if the option arose.  
  
Unless they were the bread delivery men bringing the oddly shaped novelty bread.she doubted it.  
  
===Inside=== 'Raphael'  
  
'Yes Eloise?' Raphael asked as he observed Lady Isabella through the window, she was standing at the corner of the terrace.  
  
'Uncle Raphael! Ecoutez!' she insisted firmly. Raphael looked at his niece, she was just turned eighteen, her black hair was tied up as always and she wore an off-the-shoulder black gown. Her pale skin was sharply contrasted to the black and her icy blue eyes had locked his firmly.  
  
This was Lady Eloise Libertine DeRoche. Her "Uncle" was actually the man she had returned to the courts of France and England using her incredible powers of persuasion.and a low-necked blouse.  
  
Raphael rolled his eyes and turned to her. 'What is it mon amis?'  
  
'I am not feeling well, if the Queen should turn up you must act as my medium, simply tell her I retired, to a room, with a headache and am most unhappy that I could not remain for the rest of Lady Beatrice's Party. And remember to kiss her ring for me'  
  
'Shall I curtsey as well?' Raphael snipped dryly.  
  
'Cher' Eloise said gently. 'Don't make me regret saving you from those guards in Madrid'  
  
She turned and with a rustle of black silk she departed into the crowd. Raphael returned his attention to the figure in the garden. She moved seductively through the windows and glanced around, the long pink scarves around her neck extended from the collar with the large emerald in it.the fluttered and gave a strangely angelic aura around her.  
  
Like the wings of a moth, he murmured inwardly.  
  
There was a sudden silence as the fanfare blew and Queen Janet entered. Her red hair was tied up firmly in a mass of curls with pearls throughout and a diamond tiara set on her head. Her gowns were cream and faded gold in colour; her skin was pale and her eyes were beady and brown.  
  
'You majesty' Lord Hemingsly said with a bow. 'It is a great pleasure for your grace to bless us with her presence.'  
  
The Queen gave a short nod and paced up the floor. The large fanned collar of her dress bobbled and probably slapped the back of her neck. She gestured and the music began Raphael snorted as it did, everything was so in control for her, lord only knows one day anyone could turn off the light with a clap of their hands.  
  
Ivy watched with the eyes of a cat, a particularly knowing one, and as she watched she judged.luckily she didn't cough up a hairball like a cat.  
  
Then she saw it the dagger blade! She reacted fast.  
  
'Entangle!' she exclaimed.  
  
The party stared at her as she snapped the sword out. The bodyguards took it in the wrong manner and rushed at her.  
  
'Halt in the name of the Queen!' exclaimed the man.  
  
'Oh no' she groaned. She somersaulted over the guard and kicked him in the back with her heel. 'I'm not the villain!'  
  
She spun and repeated her attack command for the sword. The whip snared the arm of the assassin and dragged him to the ground. He shouted in pain as she snapped the whip back into sword form.  
  
'Now, where are your friends?' she asked.  
  
'Ivy, what on earth are you doing with that ghastly weapon?' Beatrice exclaimed. 'Saving the queen' Ivy replied shortly and twisted to look upwards. The Assassins were above her, on the ceiling. They crawled along swiftly and with purpose, like spiders they clutched the blades in their teeth.  
  
She took a step back and ran a hand through her hair. 'Ha-ha-ha-ha' she chuckled darkly. 'I like that.'  
  
'Guards! Protect the queen!' Sir Robert of Greenwich, the bodyguard of the queen, shouted. The guards immediately stormed out in front of Ivy. She growled in anger but a firm hand on her shoulder forbid her to move any further. Sir Robert shook his head.  
  
'Leave this to the men'  
  
'That's rule number one of etiquette' she said as he moved past her. 'Too bad I flunked' she added under her breath.  
  
The assassins landed, she noted that there was only three. The other must have been taken out. They wore purple, green and brown respectively. Green man surged forwards and with a swift slice removed one of the guard's arms. The man screamed as his blood spilled. The assassins made short work of the guards, leaving Sir Robert out numbered three to one.  
  
'Idiot' sighed Ivy. The assassins knocked Sir Robert to the ground. With glee the man in Brown raised his sword and laughed.  
  
'Naughty boy!'  
  
Ivy's whip coiled around the man's throat. She dragged him backwards and placed a foot on his chest. 'Play dead'  
  
The whip crackled with purple lightening and the body under her foot convulsed in a huge seizure of screams. Sniffing Ivy looked at the other two.  
  
'Now gentlemen, who's next?'  
  
The pair looked at each other and rushed forwards at her. Ivy snapped Valentine with a flick of her wrist, a scrape appeared across the chest of one man as she curled the whip across her shoulders and slowly moved, like she were dancing. The attack came, and Ivy twirled, the whip cracked out and slammed across the man's cheek and gave a crack of dislocated bone. Ivy cackled.  
  
'Prepare yourselves!'  
  
She crouched and slid her whip along the ground, it glowed as the man ran at her, as he reached her she tugged the whip and flipped him into the air.  
  
'Strangle!' she commanded.  
  
The whip leapt at the airborne man and twisted around his neck. With a sharp tug she slammed him into the ground.  
  
'HAH!' shrieked the other assassin from behind her.  
  
'No escape!' a voice exclaimed.  
  
The swish of the blade as it hissed through the air was defined by its power. The man fell to one side as the slender silver point slashed through his stomach and forced him into his death throes.  
  
Ivy looked over her shoulder.  
  
Raphael spun the blade in his fingers and slid it into its sheath. 'Et voila mon amis' he said in a seductive tone. Ivy rose.  
  
'Oh Richard! How could you betray the queen!' Sir Robert exclaimed lifting the first man that Ivy had disarmed by the collar.  
  
'He's been with you for a while?' she asked.  
  
'Yes' Robert said. 'He was a servant for two years, thankfully not one to give food or such.'  
  
'I saw four men climb the wall. These three account for 75% of that. Where is the fourth?'  
  
'Right here' a voice called. The assassin stood at the top of the stairs, dressed in dark purples with his blade at the throat of Lady Eloise.  
  
'Eloise!' Raphael exclaimed.  
  
'In the time it takes you to move I will have either snapped her neck or slit her throat, it's a gamble hardly worth the risk.I like risk'.  
  
Raphael tensed; he was torn between actions and staying still. 'Luckily, this is not a total loss, I escape with a booby-prize.no vulgarity intended' he added to Eloise. She nodded understandingly.  
  
'Au revoir Raphael!' cooed the man. And with a single leap he crashed through the window behind him. Ivy and Raphael raced to the shattered glass. The shape landed on the ground easily and darted along the shadowy garden before another leap put him and Eloise over the wall.  
  
'Oh! Merciful Heavens' the Countess exclaimed and fainted, no one caught her.oh well. Beatrice looked to Ivy.  
  
'So.are swords in fashion this year?' she asked.  
  
To Be Continued~~~~(of course, that's a cliff-hanger-anti-climax- termination.I really need to get out more)  
  
R&R this fic because if you don't I won't be a happy little force of evil. Also I'm going to work on my slightly more serious Ninja Storm Fic. TTFN. 


	2. Crackling Ivy

Crackling Ivy  
  
By the Evil Overlord of Fallen Angels  
  
Genre: Humour/Adventure  
  
Summary: Isabella and Raphael join forces to search for Eloise. Also more SC2 characters headed this way! Excuse me if they're not like they were, but they are in an AU! SO THERE!  
  
Disclaimer: (clears throat) I do not own Soul Calibur, Andreas and Eloise are original (so are the books and Cranston.and the swords "personality") if you lay a hand on them without permission I will chop said hands off and force feet you them with a siding of overpoweringly out of date mustard TTFN (Since Buffy that is an Evil Phrase)  
  
'You have thaved me Lady Ithabella!' the Queen exclaimed.  
  
'Your majesty' Ivy said with a short bow. 'You have.a little.something there' She pointed to her own tongue. The Queen nodded.  
  
'Ith caviar, I can't get thith thtuff to thtop thticking to my mouth' the royal madam explained. Ivy nodded.  
  
'And Lord Raphael! Thankth ever tho much! Athk anything and ith thall be yours! Ith there anything I can give you?'  
  
'I need to find Eloise' Raphael said. 'I must find her, she saved me and now I must save her.please majesty if you have any power to find the being that stole her away .I would be in your debt'  
  
'Nonthenth!' The Queen said as she tried to pry the black sticky fish eggs from her mouth. 'Ith ith a given! Athk another thing of me for that girl thall be found whether thou ask it or not'  
  
Ivy shifted slowly. 'Majesty, I must depart this evening, please forgive me for not remaining'  
  
'Lady Ithabella!' the Queen exclaimed as Ivy slowly strode towards the man holding out her fur-lined cloak. 'Thou hath not athked for a reward!'  
  
'I may call on that favour your highness, but for now I have other matters to attend, I bid you good evening'  
  
And in a sweep of her cloak she had vanished.  
  
=  
  
Eloise shifted, her arms were tide behind her back with strong rope and her eyes were blindfolded.  
  
I swear! If I find I'm in a room at the top of a castle on a straw bed.well someone will be getting castrated.  
  
The sound was so faint a heartbeat would have drowned it out. But Eloise had sharp senses; you needed them to deal with those creepy courtiers who liked to sneak up on you.  
  
The blindfold was removed. She blinked and looked around. The room was extravagant, decadent, indulgent.lots of other words ending with -ent- would also fit in but Eloise was more interested in the man standing at the other side of the room. The autumnal colours of the room contrasted with the dark purple of his garb, she knew him to be the assassin who had kidnapped her.now that was an oxymoron.  
  
'Why amn't I dead?' she asked simply.  
  
'Union rules' was the reply. 'Plus the boss threatened to have me "nutted" if I hurt you'  
  
He slowly reached up behind his head and unwound the turban; he had dusty blonde hair and sallow skin under his turban. He removed the purple material and then unclipped the leather facemask and the kerchief over his mouth.  
  
He was actually very easy on the eyes. His sallow skin was a golden colour, his eyes were a nice hazel and the only flaw in his skin was a sharp thin scar through his left eyebrow. His right ear was pierced a few times with gold rings. 'I'm Andreas Lerner' he added. 'Head of the Zaitara'n assassins.' She looked at him coolly. 'Ohh! I'm so impressed.'  
  
With a short laugh he removed a blade from his boot, a sai dagger, Eloise tensed ready to kick if she had to. He swept the blade down and cut the leg of lamb on the table before him. He laid it out before her.  
  
'Bon appetite' he said.  
  
'Vouz-etez un salaud!'  
  
'I'm a salad?' he murmured. 'Oh! A bastard! Yes actually I am. Very perceptive, but considering how you accessorize I'm not surprised'  
  
He tossed a throwing star casually; it bounced off the wall and sliced open her ropes. She rubbed her wrists as he slammed the door, the bolt ground into place and his footsteps faded. She looked at the food. Lamb, potatoes.caviar on crackers?  
  
'This must be a new kind of torture' she muttered. 'Not that I have any arguments!'  
  
=  
  
Ivy opened the book. 'Something Lady Libertine had.something she might have owned?' She looked past the stacks of books to Cranston who was casually placing her tea down. 'Cranston. Do you know anything of the DeRoche family?'  
  
'Simply that they are French, dignified, rich and quite powerful' he said. 'But what member of the aristocrats isn't?'  
  
Ivy nodded. 'Thank you Cranston'.  
  
She returned to her copy of The Big Book of Genealogy, Heirlooms and Tricks with spoons by Laurence Meneezboone.  
  
Ivy casually leafed through the pages until she found an article she was interested in, the DeRoche family.  
  
'Usually known as Eloise the young lady is the daughter of Lord Augustus and Lady Genevieve DeRoche.incredibly rich.blah blah blah.ah! The Eye of Isis, an ancient heirloom belonging to the DeRoche Family. It has been passed down from mother to daughter for 23 generations.apparently a grandmother with many Greats behind it.bartered a bowl of goulash and a goat for it from a trader. After that she became incredibly rich.it seems that ancestor had an incredible windfall after that.' She looked at the sword reading over her shoulder from the book. She adjusted her glasses.  
  
'Yes I know you can read it for yourself---no I was not saying that you were slow' she sighed.  
  
She leaned over in her chair so the sword could observe the book better; the sharp tip glimmered as it scanned the pages.  
  
'I feel that 6th sense kicking in' Ivy said. 'They were after the pendant.why does it look so familiar?' she wondered.  
  
The Necklace was an Egyptian eye with two crescents facing away from it on a gold ring that clipped around the neck. 'Perhaps its time I go to mothers Room.' she murmured. 'I feel the answers there.no you can't drink my tea I'll want it later.'  
  
It's like having a child, she groaned inwardly. She thought back, her history with the sword was not the best. But it had been with her through marriages, betrayal and heartache.she remembered the night her mother had passed on.  
  
------Flashback, the stereotypical night of sorrow, rain, thunder, lightening-----  
  
The crash of thunder drowned out the third ring of the bell. Ivy hurried up the stairs to the darkened room, the single lamp lighting it. 'Darling' the weak rasp came. It was sadly her mother's voice, devoid of the life it had once had.  
  
'Yes mother?' Ivy asked. 'Do you need water?'  
  
'No my dear.please.come here' her mother coughed again. Ivy hurried over to her mother, dressed in a silver silk slip of a nightdress and long purple silk dressing gown she held closed.  
  
'I was in the laboratory, I may have found a way to create a highly flexible blade whip of a tree sap I discovered.'  
  
'Please, put the art of the blade from your mind for a moment daughter.we must.must talk'  
  
Ivy ignored the fear and calmly sat at her mother's side. The gnarled hand took the soft but hard worked hand. 'Isabella, you have made me proud.so long have I waited to see you happy.since your fathers death you have forbidden joy into your heart.and now you are preparing to marry Carlos.I am nearly dead Isabella, my life fades like a guttering candle.'  
  
'Mother no! You're strong enough to hold on.'  
  
'No Ivy' her mother said. Her pale face and greying black hair seemed so frail and ghostly.her gaunt hands took her daughters and she looked into her eyes. 'I am proud, prouder then any mother can ever be.but you are not my blood daughter.' Ivy's heart skipped a beat in shock.  
  
'What do you mean mother?'  
  
'Twenty-two years ago I was in Portugal with your father.the count.we were approached by a man. He was dressed much like a pirate, he watched the swords at his hip like they might attack him and was most agitated. He gave you to us and told us that should you ever wish to find the truth then you should open the letter he gave us.' The countess burst into a fit of coughs but pointed a hand to her vanity table. 'It is in my jewellery box.never has it been opened.please take it.open it should you wish the--- the truth'  
  
The countess sank back into her bed and with a final breath left the world. Ivy clutched her mothers heart sobbing. The money was fading, her father had destroyed them.but he had left her with one thing.Alchemy!  
  
'I swear you were my true mother, always! No matter my family'  
  
=== End Flashback===  
  
Ivy pinched the bridge of her nose and looked up from the books as Cranston cleared his throat. 'A Monsieur Raphael to see you milady.'  
  
Ivy groaned loudly and picked up the sword. Slowly she strode towards the doors of the Library. 'Show him into the main room, I will be there momentarily.'  
  
Raphael brushed a strand of blonde hair from his eyes hastily and glanced at the doors. Lady Isabella was dressed in riding breeches and a long dark purple jacket. She held the sword in her hands.  
  
'Lady Isabella' Raphael said with a swift bow. 'I must thank you for last night.you were unforgettable'  
  
'If I had a gold piece for every time someone said that to me' she said waving at a chair across from her. Raphael took a seat. 'What can I do for you Monsieur?' 'Eloise.the Queen has sent her agents to find Eloise and.well I feel that the guards are royally incompetent. You are not, and I ask of you.will you aid me to find Eloise?'  
  
'You want my help?' murmured Ivy. 'I am intrigued, don't men always turn to other men, is it not the job of a woman to sit at home and twiddle her thumbs.a skill mother taught me in painstaking hour-long sessions.no it didn't catch on'  
  
'Your sword is.is---Incredible! Almost as though it were alive.'  
  
'It is' she said with a brush of her hair by an elegant hand. 'If you must know I have a lead as to why Lady Eloise was taken. But a single person in my library doesn't cover much ground'  
  
Raphael looked at her. 'Then allow me to help, any aid you can give would be much appreciated.and I have a friend coming into town this eve.he can help us with the search.'  
  
'What is his name?' asked Ivy.  
  
'Siegfried'  
  
'Interesting, German?'  
  
'Yes'  
  
'Swordsman?'  
  
'Exactly'  
  
'Educated?'  
  
'Very'  
  
'Well-Bred?'  
  
'Yes actually, very'  
  
'Hah, it was one word answers only, you're getting sloppy' Ivy said.  
  
'You said well bred'  
  
'That was hyphenated' Ivy explained. 'This way to the library.'  
  
She rose and sashayed from the room followed by Raphael.who was watching her backside.  
  
'Eyes straight ahead Raphael'  
  
'Sorry'.  
  
Eloise opened the wardrobe. The clothes were folded up neatly in carious drawers, no hangers.so she couldn't gouge out anyone's eyes.She examined the clothes. 'Good God! Everything here has a bodice.or corset.or both.or.I'm sorry are those love hearts meant to cover my---'  
  
'Heya princess' a voice said. She twisted, Andreas was leaned against the doorframe. 'I have good news.'  
  
'You're going to toss yourself out the window?' Eloise asked hopefully.  
  
'No, though it would be fun.painful.but fun' Andreas shrugged. He shut the door and glanced at the eating table. 'Where's the tray?' he asked. Eloise smiled sweetly. 'RIGHT HERE!'  
  
She swung it and smashed it into his face. He stepped back and rubbed his face it was pretty much unscathed. 'That was perfectly good silver' he said. She swung it again and he caught it without blinking. 'Now, that's not very nice, you're lucky.my life was pretty crappy until I got this cushy job in The Fortress of Vanities!' (Thunder crash, dramatic organ notes)  
  
Eloise looked around. 'Where did that thunder come from? And the organ music?' 'The boss is practicing'  
  
Eloise nodded and punched him across the jaw. 'By the way, my compliments to the chef, the lamb was excellent'  
  
He ducked under her kick (restricted by her dress) and blocked another punch. 'Oh I know, wait until you taste his éclairs.chocolate so dark light cannot escape it' 'I won't be staying that long' Eloise said as she turned her back on him and scooped her foot up under his jaw. He was flipped into the air and slammed onto the ground. He grunted and rose again, shoving off from the ground to rise smoothly on that momentum.  
  
'Yes you will, unless you hand over the necklace'  
  
Eloise paused. 'Umm.no' she decided. 'This is a priceless family heirloom!' 'Actually its worth a bowl of goulash and a one legged goat' said Andreas. 'Now, the boss wants the Eye of Isis, you get one shot at this. Your choice.my boss isn't the most patient. One time this guy clocked in late from a lunch break. They found him in Spain.and Prussia.and Ireland.and Portugal.And Italy.And Abyssinia eh.and Iceland.and.'  
  
'Okay point taken let me think about it' Eloise said. She lunged at him. He caught her wrists and spun on his heels. His right hand wrapped around her waist and he leapt up into the air. He landed on top of her on her bed.  
  
'Forwards aren't we' she said.  
  
'I thought that's the style in France' he said.  
  
'It's the style everywhere.just not in the places you get to see it'  
  
In a blur Andreas was gone and the door was bolted again. Eloise sighed. 'Maybe I can find something modest.okay so the corsets and bodices might be fun.'  
  
==Meanwhile===  
  
'Have you found anything?' Ivy asked looking over the rims of her narrow glasses.  
  
'Yup' Raphael said. 'Very.interesting.'  
  
'What is it?' Ivy asked.  
  
'A reference book of some sort.'  
  
Ivy rose from her seat and strolled over and plucked it from his firm grasp. 'The Naughty Boys Guide to Naughty things and assorted other Naughty People' Ivy read. 'Classy'  
  
She opened an illustration, they both leaned their heads to one side then slowly to the other. 'I'm sorry, how is he doing that?' Raphael asked.  
  
'Apparently very well.oh my.that's a man'  
  
'Yes I established that'  
  
'No not that one.that one'  
  
'Ugh! Okay, that's not my cup of tea'  
  
'Yes but I know someone who I can give it to' smirked Ivy as she tossed the book onto the desk.she'd have to hide it, that particular tome might give Cranston several heart attacks. However she'd be delivering it to a particular friend of hers if the chance arose.  
  
'Have you found anything?' asked Raphael as she sat down.  
  
'Actually I have, the assassins wore the garb of the Zaitara'n a creed of assassins not to be mistaken for the Zaitar'an.'  
  
'What's the difference?'  
  
'A comma.oh! You mean cult-creed wise. The Zaitara'n are savage and brutal assassins lead by some of the deadliest people in the world who are trained expertly in the blade.the Zaitar'an are losers who liberate small tubs of margarine, sugar bowls and unusually large snails.while wearing teapots on their heads'  
  
'So the Zaitar'an kidnapped Eloise?'  
  
'No the Zaitara'n did'  
  
'That's what I said the Zaitar'an'  
  
'Zaitara'n'  
  
'THAT'S WHAT I SAID!'  
  
'No you said Zaitar'an, I said Zaitara'n!'  
  
'Well the Zitturin had better not hurt Eloise!'  
  
'The Zitturin are a group of cultists who tattoo the collected works of Plato on their backsides and worship a Giant Cockroach called Cecil!'  
  
'So she's going to be sacrificed to Cecil?'  
  
'NOOOOOOOOOOO' screamed Ivy. This would take a while.  
  
===Meanwhile (believe me I have space to spent time in a meanwhile) ====  
  
Siegfried looked at the man in the white and gold suit roll the dice. His black quiff was styled perfectly. Beside him stood a man with a staff and a strangely naïve glint in his eyes. He wore a short yellow waistcoat with a fur lining and dark purple trousers.  
  
'Strange' Siegfried muttered. The pair looked like they were planning something.oh well, he wouldn't hang around to find out what happened next. Rising he exited the tavern and slowly walked along the cobbled streets by the docks. A shape leapt from the shadows.  
  
'I am that which stalks the streets and prays on women!'  
  
'I'm not a woman' Siegfried said quietly. The street was empty it seemed. With a sigh Siegfried went to leave.the man darted out in front of him brandishing a knife and cackling. 'Prepare to die woman!'  
  
'I said I'm not a woman' repeated Siegfried. The man paused. 'Oh sorry, the hair through me you know'  
  
'I see' Siegfried murmured. 'I do need a trip or something.' 'Well I have to kill you now' the man said. 'Sorry'  
  
'No, its all right' Siegfried said. He pulled his large broadsword from the folds of his cloak. The man's knife clinked to the ground.  
  
'Ah.right.I see' the man said. He turned to run, tripped on a cobble and slid down the hill towards the docks.  
  
'AAAH! Barrels! -' Crash! He slammed through them. '-AHHH! Lobsters! -' Crunch! Snap-snap-snap-snap. '-AHHHH! A shipment of razor blades! -' Swicket! Clicket-slish-slish. '- AHH! Bottles of vineg-AAAAAAAAAHHH! -' He landed in a heap at the bottom of the slope.  
  
'Ohh.' he groaned. 'Hey! I'm alive!'  
  
Just then a burst of carriages came along that road and flattened him.  
  
'Well, at least he went clean shaven' Siegfried muttered. And with a sweep of his cloak he vanished into the mists of London (stubbing his toe twice but why bother to ruin a perfectly good exit? Oh.I just did that didn't I?)  
  
TBC Maxi and Kilik to come! Maxi and Kilik! Oh R&R! I swear this story will get funny at some point! I know it probably stinks but any Reviews and suggestions are welcomed. (PS OC's are something of a trademark for me). I hope you like it so far (fat chance) ciao bella and TTFN. 


	3. Biting Ivy

Biting Ivy  
  
By the Evil Overlord of Fallen Angels  
  
Genre: Humour/Adventure  
  
Summary: Isabella and Raphael join forces to search for Eloise. Also more SC2 characters headed this way! Excuse me if they're not like they were, but they are in an AU! SO THERE!  
  
Disclaimer: (Bursts into the Namco building wielding expensive weaponry with women in leather bodysuits and men in spec ops outfits also holding big guns) all right! I WANT THE RIGHTS TO SOUL CALIBUR! (The president shakes the royal head) What? Really? I amn't allowed it? But I went to so much trouble! Oh socks! Gosh darn it now I have to go and blow up something.are you sure? (Another no) Oh well (Soldier pats the sobbing me on the back) No I'm okay, here have a wad of cash soldier minion of darkness (hands the man some cash) === The following people sent me reviews and will get the nice seats in my dungeons when I take over. In fact I think I'll turn them into members of my super race if they have a problem with the smaller cockroaches (see I'm not that evil) and water drip torture. Thanks so much.  
  
i_want_jello()= Funny? Me? Thanks! I'll give you dungeon space with a song you like to play for all eternity! See I'm a nice villain! Now back to business! Curse you Superman!  
  
Pash- chan= Hey I've sent you an e-mail reply and we'll talk  
  
Master Gray Wolf= Yeah Ivy's a cool SC gal. I like her but she needs faster moves.so watch this as I toss in a few of my own! Ivy is one of the chracters I'm best with so I felt she deserved a fic  
  
Lightning Angel= Tee hee Thanks. And just so you know because she's surrounded by guys Ivy might play mind games.but she'll need someone to lean on with the up and coming shocker! (well twist)  
  
cryscilla= Oh you flatterer, you get a dungeon with a seaside view! Thank's a lot thats one of the most inspiring reviews I've gotten... no kidding...oh I'm going to have to work on my corniness, Thank's anyway  
  
==== Andreas pushed open the door. 'Heya princess, breakfast.gahhhh'  
  
'Mr captor, you're drooling on the silverware'  
  
Eloise stood on the other side of the room. She wore the black and red corset and bodice with tight black silk trousers, a gold patterned red sash, heeled boots, a white blouse that exposed a lot of cleavage and black gloves. 'What too revealing? Too scant? Too Pirate?'  
  
'Whoa! Shiver me timbers' Andreas mumbled. Then shifted uneasily and said: 'Trust me, everything in that closet is scant, revealing and pirate and call me Andreas, Mr Captor and Scum-sucking-son-of-a-vile-discusting- wart-covered-slimy-wench-from-the-pits-of-hell-and-a-person-who-should-be- castrated-and-quartered-then-burned-to-ash-and-then-that-ash-should-be-fed- to-the-wolves-then-the-wolves-should-be-burned.well its just to formal'  
  
'You left out the part about your father.' murmured Eloise as she opened the top of the bowl. 'Mmmm! Carbonara!'  
  
'Only because it was true.'  
  
'GAK! You mean your father actually.'  
  
'Yes' Andreas nodded.  
  
'With a real live.'  
  
'Yeah.twice'  
  
'Ugh! That's disgusting'  
  
'It doesn't look good on a job application' agreed Andreas. 'So I just figured, since I was so.not human.I might as well get a good job'  
  
'Well I'm sure you're a good assassin'  
  
'One of the best' he said proudly as Eloise tucked into the spaghetti and sauce. 'Though its hard.there aren't that many people to talk to around here, as the leader the others forget about me and then all that's left are the Berserkers, Lizardmen and Tax Collectors'  
  
Eloise gave a shudder. 'So the only other humans are ignoring you?'  
  
'Yeah' he nodded sitting down beside her. 'But you get over it after a while.well there is the boss but a Mirror is the ultimate distraction in that department'.  
  
'At home in France I used to have to hang around a convent.'  
  
Andreas smiled. 'So you're a good girl?'  
  
Eloise smirked. 'Definitely not.but that's nothing new.'  
  
She tossed her hair. Andreas rose and walked to the door. 'Thank you' he said and shut it. Eloise smiled serenely and tucked back into the food.  
  
==London (denenenenena! Swirly screen!)===  
  
'Ma'am, there's a man to see you' Cranston said. Ivy looked up from the books at the butler. 'Is it a suitor?'  
  
'I expect so ma'am'  
  
'Right, go up to the third storey and shove the safe out the window onto him' ivy said. 'Eh, is the man tall, muscular and possessing long blonde hair?' Raphael asked. 'Yes' Cranston nodded. 'Exactly right sir'  
  
'That's Siegfried' explained Raphael. 'My servant must have informed him of my whereabouts'  
  
Ivy looked at the Grandmother clock (No grandfather could be as feminine as this clock without a really good reason). 'My, it is late. Show the man in'  
  
Moments later the tall broad shouldered man entered. His eyes regarded Raphael with a flit of camaraderie. But as usual Ivy captured the man's attention, or, more correctly, Ivy's cleavage captured the man's attention.  
  
'This platinum blonde woman is Lady Isabella Valentine' explained Raphael. 'Oh, yes, she does have platinum hair' mumbled Siegfried.  
  
Ivy rolled her eyes and looked at the large sword at his hip. 'A Bavarian Broadsword, the gilding on the handle and inscription on the blade points me to the German Royal family.'  
  
Siegfried slowly nodded as he removed his cloak. Cranston took it and vanished off into the hall. Ivy gestured at one of the seats by the fire. Raphael stood, leaning on the mantelpiece as Ivy sat into the high-backed red chair.  
  
'Eloise has been kidnapped?' Siegfried asked.  
  
Ivy looked at Raphael. 'You updated him on the situation?'  
  
'Actually the writer did, in the guise of my servant' Raphael said. 'But that's another story'  
  
'No its not' Siegfried said.  
  
'Silence' Ivy said as the argument brewed. 'Lady Eloise was taken hostage by the assassins because of her necklace. Luckily it has a protective charm on it that will prevent it from being removed by anyone but her. Also it will protect her. The Eye of Isis apparently has the ability to see the past, present and future. She'll be safe with it.unless.'  
  
'Unless what?' asked Raphael.  
  
'You said she was the cousin of Amy.'  
  
'Sister, half-sister actually' sighed Raphael.  
  
'Yes, well if Amy is related on the wrong side.or for the assassins, the right side, she will be able to open the clasp.'  
  
'They won't find her, I hid her in the mansion, the paranoid maniac who lived their placed charms around it to prevent black magic to enter' Raphael said.  
  
'Then she is safe and so is Eloise. I will perform a locator spell and we can set out to find Eloise as soon as possible. CRANSTON!'  
  
The Butler materialized in the doorway. 'You bellowed milady?'  
  
'Yes. Fetch me the map, the scrying crystal and the sugar bowl' added Ivy.  
  
'You can locate Eloise with a map, a crystal and a sugar bowl?' Siegfried murmured in stunned disbelief.  
  
'Nonsense.I only need the map and crystal.my tea is what needs the sugar.'  
  
Cranston folded out the map on the table in the corner and handed the crystal on the silver string to Ivy. She dangled it over the map. A light sprang up in it and it snipped downwards onto the map of England.  
  
'Well, well, well' Ivy murmured. 'The Tower of Maidens.it's a prison on an island that was closed down after a little incident with the fact there were no women for a multitude of miles'  
  
'That picture in the book is still haunting me, silence please' Raphael grunted. 'What could a picture do?' Siegfried wondered aloud.  
  
Ivy opened the book on a graphic illustration; he bit his lip and went bright red. 'I take the point' he grunted, shifting uneasily. Ivy brushed her shoulders and looked at the men. 'Luckily a friend is in town with a boat.'  
  
She snapped her fingers and Valentine slithered up onto the desk unnoticed. 'Now, lets go and handle them.I have to find a nice kick-ass outfit that says "Yes darling they are real" but at the same time "Die pig-dog".and that is ready for the weather in London.no it's not going to be my purple leather number.or the pirate one.or the one with the black leather.well maybe the black leather.oh yeah that's a good one! Simple yet effective!'  
  
Siegfried leaned over to Raphael. 'Is she talking to her sword?' he whispered. 'Apparently so' Raphael hissed in reply.  
  
Ivy stepped out of the carriage still dressed in the long dark purple-pink cloak she had worn since changing. Raphael and Siegfried climbed out after her.  
  
'Umm my shoulders are stuck' Siegfried said.  
  
'Turn around a little and step out sideways' explained Ivy. Carefully Siegfried obliged and followed her into the same tavern he had been at earlier. Ivy glanced around at the tavern, where a scuffle had taken place. 'Right, never mind, they're gone. If we hurry we can catch the boat.'  
  
She turned and breezed out of the tavern with Raphael and Siegfried in toe, so as not to lose her. Ivy led them to the docks and to the gangplank to a Japanese boat with large curved-triangular sails and beautiful architecture.  
  
'Here we go!' she said climbing the gangplank. A burly man stepped out in front of her.  
  
'No admittance wench!' he growled.  
  
'Well since you said it so nicely.' she grinned. Her cloak covered his face; Valentine curled around his waist and spun him off the plank. At the last second she grabbed her cloak and fastened it over one shoulder. She wore tight beige trousers, a loose white blouse with plunging neckline, tall riding boots and a satchel over one shoulder.  
  
'Well, that's my way on' she sighed. 'Come along boys, no dawdling.'  
  
'She works fast' mumbled Siegfried. 'I am impressed.'  
  
'So am I, seeing her fight is like watching the ballet.beautiful, with women in tight and revealing outfits.'  
  
They chased after her. Apparently the splash had alerted everyone on the ship. The pirates were out and armed to the teeth. Raphael drew his blade while Siegfried braced himself and laid a hand on the hilt.  
  
With a light laugh Ivy looked at the burly bladed men. 'I like that' she purred. The first man rushed forwards. Valentine snapped out repeatedly with a tilt of Ivy's hand, it struck the man in the nose and broke it as it curled itself across her shoulders. She twisted backwards and swung the whip. The coiled links slammed out and knocked the man off the boat.  
  
'Ivy?'  
  
Maxi stood in the doorway to the Captains Quarters. Ivy waved a hand as her sword retracted to its blade form. 'Hello Maxi!'  
  
It didn't take long to explain the situation to Maxi. Unfortunately there was a problem, which irritated Ivy, and Ivy irritated was worse then Poison oak.or ivy...damn I walked right into that one. 'Well, you see, here's the trouble.I was playing a game of cards with some gentlemen' Maxi explained as he leaned on the wheel. 'And one thing led to another in the game and.'  
  
'You cheated and got caught didn't you' Ivy said, statement rather then query.  
  
'Yeah' he said letting his head drop to his chest. 'But only because I was.umm. distracted.'  
  
'Ah, something with a pretty face and nice body no doubt' Ivy said with a sigh. 'As a matter of fact I need your help.'  
  
'Ivy' Maxi groaned. 'I have to go! Those sailors will be here soon and I don't have the gold with me to pay them off.'  
  
'I settle your debt if you take us' Ivy said. 'Plus Five percent interest at the local rate of exchange and inflation.plus I'll foot the tax'  
  
Maxi shifted uneasily as his crew breathed out. He named the sum and Ivy simply yawned. 'Done, my treasure hunting antics take care of my bills. Plus you get a chance to fight a group of incredibly skilled assassins in just a short journey.' The pirates cheered.  
  
'And if we return alive its beer for all!' Ivy added.  
  
More cheers.  
  
'And small cocktail sausages! On sticks!'  
  
Louder cheers then before. Ivy knew the group well, the ship, Nirvana, was a good vessel from the seas around Asia and Maxi was a trustworthy captain whom she had met while being.not-a-nice-person. He had helped her escape in exchange for her knowledge on the Caves of Kolikoa.  
  
The boat was already on the way to pull out, as it set sail Ivy showed Maxi the map of the Island. 'No one has been on the island for years. Up until several months ago, a fisherman went there. He was found in small pieces on the deck of his boat that was sent back to shore by a mysterious wind.'  
  
'How mysterious?' Siegfried asked.  
  
'Very mysterious' Ivy said. 'It made wind-chime noises'  
  
'Ah' nodded Raphael. 'That kind of mysterious'  
  
Maxi grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. 'What's the plan?' he asked.  
  
'Sail in to the West of the island, large rocks will keep us hidden, it's a precarious route but just stopping in the right place makes it an excellent hiding place'.  
  
'Great' Maxi said. Ivy pointed to the fortress on the map. 'Eloise will be held in here, we had better be prepared. I get the feeling she's in the topmost tower, at the topmost room'  
  
'I pray we are not too late!' Raphael exclaimed.  
  
With a shrug Ivy outlined the plan of attack to Maxi and his crew. Just then there came a thud from below. Maxi froze. 'I'll see to that' he yelped.  
  
Ivy laughed. 'Who have you down there?'  
  
'Sorry!' came a familiar voice.  
  
'Kilik?' murmured Ivy. She strode to the balcony and looked down at the boy. He grinned and gave a small wave. 'What are you doing here?' she asked sharply.  
  
'Umm.hanging out'  
  
'He joined the crew' Maxi said, scratching the back of his head. 'But.you know.I kinda warned him to stay put when he saw you.'  
  
'Oh Maxi! I am so over that Kill-everyone-who-was-near-Soul-Blade-or-Soul- Edge thing!' Ivy snorted. 'I was just being a little unhinged'  
  
'A little?' Kilik murmured.  
  
'Leave it' hissed Maxi as Kilik stood beside him.  
  
'A little?'  
  
'She's still got Valentine' reminded Maxi. Kilik locked his jaw.  
  
===Maidens Island, an hour later====  
  
'Your boss is.very.'  
  
'Vain? Overbearing? Psychotic? Devious?' Andreas unlocked her shackled wrists and let her sit down in the corner. 'I see you've been reading' he said.  
  
The "Big Boss" has summoned Eloise to the organ room, the organ had dominated the room's largest wall, and mirrors had taken over the rest. Boss was not someone to be taken lightly. After threats and sassy talk from Eloise the Boss had ordered some assassins to remove the necklace. They'd been shocked into a wall shattering a mirror and earning Eloise a backhanded strike across the face.  
  
'The Boss eases up after a while.' Andreas muttered. He was wearing a green leather and metal chest plate with straps that lined across his back from the sides. A leather shirt covered the area around his shoulder blades but the rest of his back was bear, revealing a long faded scar on the tanned skin.  
  
He felt her looking and turned around to face her. She frowned. 'What did that to you?'  
  
'That's not the worst, just the only one a glamour can't hide.a present from the boss for insubordination.'  
  
He wiped his hands off his baggy green trousers and turned to leave. 'Have a rest, the swelling should go down soon.'  
  
Eloise touched the red mark on her cheek and nodded. The door shut and the sound of Andreas's footsteps faded away. She sighed and lay down on the bed, it was early in the mourning but she wouldn't be surprised if the Boss drank to blood of the living, she had seen Lizardmen and Berserkers.both scared her in a new way. They scared her because she knew they had at one point or another been human.  
  
====Nirvana (dramatic birds-eye view to be inserted here)===  
  
Dawn was breaking over the seas; they turned bluer as the light touched them. Nirvana sliced the waves as it sped towards the island. Ivy's platinum coloured hair fluttered in the breeze. 'We're nearly there' Maxi shouted. 'Anything we should watch out for?'  
  
'Just the assassins' Ivy called. 'And the lizard men, and the Berserkers.'  
  
'So the assassins employ them?' Siegfried asked.  
  
'No, just their employer.'  
  
'Then how do you know about them?' Kilik asked.  
  
'I amn't sure' Ivy said with a frown.  
  
Ivy held Valentine in one hand and a pistol in the other. Raphael and Siegfried came along behind her. Valentine pointed them through the paths of rock. Maxi and Kilik followed behind watching their backs. Eventually they reached a high ledge looking down at the fortress.  
  
'The maps of the fortress are old. But I can tell you that they have Eloise in the highest room in the tallest tower with the biggest guards and the longest staircase'  
  
'Why? Because of this sixth sense you have?' Raphael asked.  
  
'No common sense, they always put the damsel in the highest room in the tallest tower with the biggest guards and the longest staircase.and the signpost'  
  
Raphael looked at the wooden pole in the distance that read "Lady DeRoche's Prison" and gave detailed instructions.  
  
'Kilik, Maxi, the signal' hissed Ivy. Maxi nodded and took out the matches. Kilik set up the fireworks and allowed the pirate captain to light the fuse. With a shower of sparks and a hiss the rocket shot into the air and exploded loudly.  
  
'Here we go!' Maxi exclaimed as his sailors fired fireworks and cannons from the boat and rocks onto the fortress. In the confusion the heroes scampered down the slope towards the fortress.  
  
Ivy brandished the pistol. 'Guards' she said. She vanished in a whisper of her beige trousers brushing together and reappeared to the others behind a small wall. She fired the pistol and an archway fell on the two guards standing near the tower.  
  
'Let's go' she said. She waved the men on and hurried towards the tower. Raphael flicked out his sword and slit the throat of a guard who rounded the corner. The next lost his head to Siegfried's large blade.  
  
'Show off' sniffed Raphael. Kilik vaulted at the door and kicked it down. The entrance, giving the heroes a chance, startled the Lizardmen and Berserker inside. 'Siegfried takes the berserker!' shouted Maxi.  
  
'What! Why me?' Siegfried exclaimed.  
  
'Ehh.because you're.taller' Maxi said. He leapt at a Lizardman. Ivy and Raphael darted up the stairs. 'Go!' he shouted at Ivy and Raphael.  
  
'We'll get Eloise!' Ivy said. She looked Maxi in the eyes and saw something she'd never seen before in the tough pirates eyes. 'Is that mascara?'  
  
'Ehh.okay yes.it makes my lashes look longer'  
  
Ivy shook her head and thundered up the steps with Raphael watching her backside.  
  
'Watch the steps Raphael' she reminded him.  
  
'Wh-UUUH!' Raphael landed with a thud and groaned. Ivy kept going. She finally reached the Door. A man stood at it. His sallow skin and dark eyes made him all the more appealing. Ivy smiled at him.  
  
'Stand back' she said. 'Or I'll kick you in the groin about seven times.'  
  
'I'm wearing a jockstrap' he replied. 'Now, you'd be here to rescue Eloise?'  
  
'Yes' Ivy said.  
  
Suddenly Raphael charged the young man. 'I'm Andreas' the guy said as he sidestepped the stab and kicked Raphael in the stomach. 'Lead assassin and Eloise's captor.now lets get this over with'  
  
Raphael swung at the young man but a metal gauntlet caught the blade and bounced it away. Andreas leapt about, displaying incredible agility and speed with his martial arts prowess. He ducked into the splits and caught a downward stab on his gauntlets. He pivoted on the ground and chopped Raphael's legs from under him knocking Monsieur Sorel to the ground.  
  
Ivy opened the door and entered as the pair continued fighting.  
  
'Lady Isabella' nodded Eloise rising from her seat. 'Can I interest you in some wine? Or is this one of those Chaotic-Confused-Captors-Rescues?'  
  
'I'm afraid so' Ivy nodded. 'Shall we?'  
  
'We think not' two voices said. Two assassins with Rapiers stood in the doorway, the pair was flaunting their skills when Eloise leapt at them and landed a foot on each mans chest. They crashed backwards. She picked up the Rapiers as Ivy whipped the pair into shape.no that was not a pun...they were cubes by the time she was finished.  
  
Outside Andreas and Raphael were still fighting.  
  
'Andreas I'm leaving' Eloise said.  
  
'Okay, see you around.by the way the boss has your locket in the organ room. You'll want that back'  
  
'Locket?' Ivy asked.  
  
'My mothers' explained Eloise as she strode down the steps. 'I must fetch it back from the BOSS who rules the Fortress of vanities.' The organ music and thunder rang through the tower. 'It seems that Andreas's employer is practicing there.let's roll'  
  
Ivy grimaced and turned back to Raphael. Andreas kicked him across the face several times and then in the chest, knocking Raphael against the railing. 'See you around Eloise' he called as he vaulted through a window and vanished downwards.  
  
'He'll be fine' Eloise said. 'Interesting heritage'  
  
Ivy looked at the dead Lizardmen at the bottom of the stairs; the Berserker was still on the end of Siegfrieds sword, dead but mounted like an ornament.  
  
'We have to get my locket back' Eloise said simply. 'Follow me, the halls in the Fortress of vanities are long and winding.but well signposted.'  
  
As they left Kilik leaned over to Maxi. 'Where did the thunder and Organ music come from?'  
  
To Be Continued! (Well D'uh!)  
  
Ah fair mortals thine reviews are expected. And for the romance well next chapter has it.well I always take about three chapters to get it seriously rolling. Ivy demonstrates what she learned in finishing school a few times. And you'll see how desperate for Ivy titles I'm getting since Poison Ivy will be the last one. Take note of the lack of reviews I have and be merciful. For mercy is twice bless'd .Oh! Bugger that's my stupid Merchant of Venice study returning to bite me!  
  
Now.review my puppy dog eyes will make you want to review.but I'm the most unattractive person on the globe so the oversized laser gun will do a better job soooo .REVIEW! 


	4. Bramble Ivy

Bramble Ivy  
  
Disclaimer: We've been through this I don't own Soul Calibur 2! Well I do have a copy.I own Eloise and Andreas and the Leader and the pirates.and the assassins and the fortress and.yeah I'll go do something creative and evil now.  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: What do you think of Eloise and Andreas? Does Andreas seem gay to you. Is Eloise a snob? Should they hook up? MILD YAOI IN THIS CHAPTER! My damn General has pushed yaoi mentions into everything I do! I told my General to get an account.and a life. No go. Oh well.  
  
A/N 2: I changed my Siegfried-Sigmund problem. I was playing Bloodrayne before I started writing this.and there are two boss characters called Sigmund and Siegfried, I ended up mixing the names and.well here we are. On the brightside I finished the game! YAY ME! Thanks to Raikou for pointing my mistake out.  
  
L'il Miss Moira: Inspired you? Wow, thanks.hey I can't wait to read your fic.ehh wait don't write one you'll be better then me! Damn now I have to dispatch my demon warriors to stop you in a bullet time kung fu sequence.you do kung fu or another martial arts right? Thanks!  
  
Faye: My you are the clever one. Never take things for face value.good for you! Pitiful looks are a bit cliché and when you're as ugly as me.well you don't get away with them. Tell me what you think of Andreas and the boss this time around.  
  
=============  
  
'Welcome to the fortress of the vanities' the assassin in green said. 'How may I UGH!'  
  
Siegfried punched him clear across the room. Eloise lead them down the hall. 'We must be prepared for a fight' she said. 'The leader is here.and dangerous.'  
  
Ivy cracked the whip. 'We'll see how much longer that lasts!'  
  
'I think it's this door' Eloise said, pointing at the large wooden door. 'Siegfried, shoulder it now!'  
  
Siegfried rushed at the door and smashed it in with the shoulder.they wound up in the yoga room. The group of women looked at them, their legs locked behind their ears. 'Can we help you?' the teacher asked.  
  
'Yes.umm.' Siegfried avoided looking at the women in the tight outfits. 'Which way to the leader?'  
  
'Through the door in the corner, up the hall third door on your left' she said.  
  
'Beg your pardon Madam.but what are you doing here?' Raphael asked, eying the spandex covered backsides and chests. Ivy swatted him across the back of the head.  
  
'Oh, we rent out' explained the teacher. 'Now, if you'll excuse us.'  
  
'Sorry' Ivy called as they raced through the rooms. Kilik grabbed Ivy and pulled her backwards, the pendulums slashed through the air before her, back and forth, so thin and narrow they'd barely be noticed.  
  
'Well, that'd cut our visit short!' Maxi quipped. There was a group groan and Kilik gave the dandy a playful shove. Ivy looked up at the point the pendulums swing from on the ceiling. 'GO THERE!' she commanded.  
  
Valentine snapped out and struck the point in the roof. There was a clunk and the pendulums collapsed down, the slit they passed through in the walls and floor wasn't big enough to stand them. The others retreated away as Ivy let the long stalks of the pendulum snap down beside her. 'Yes, I thought so, ACME easy steel mix.very weak.'  
  
She walked forwards and found double doors shaped with statues. 'My guess this leads to the leader of the Fortress of the Vanities!'  
  
'Well the organ music's nearer.and louder' Kilik nodded rubbing his throbbing eardrums from the crack of thunder and organ music. 'Now, lets take him down!'  
  
'Ehh about that.'Eloise began. She touched the choker around her neck. 'My locket's on the organ.wow.this visions in colour.Surround Sound we're available? What's that got to do with anything?'  
  
Raphael looked at Ivy. 'What's happening?'  
  
'The necklace lets one see into the past, present, future and flux possible.the place where all probability exists.its also a shameless advertising tool'  
  
'Good lord, I'm receiving visions in Spanish!' Eloise exclaimed. 'Mon Deu! C'est impossible!'  
  
Raphael knocked her hand away from the choker. 'How did you learn to use this?' he asked.  
  
'I was bored, I practiced. Spying on people in the fortress.the lizard men practicing swordsmanship, Berserkers being made.Andreas in the bathing pool.' She blushed slightly under the pale make-up. 'That was an accident.'  
  
She could still recall when she'd accidentally projected her visions out into the slightly tropical woods. She'd followed a path with her vision and found herself at a small pool made of raised beige rock, formed naturally, surrounded by bushes, trees and sand. A waterfall pouring from the rock face down into it. Suddenly a shape had burst from the dark water, muscled body wet and gleaming hair wet and dark. Soap running down his chest to.then she'd be dragged back.  
  
'You saw the assassin in the bath.by accident?' Raphael muttered.  
  
'And you stare down lady Isabella's shirt every five minutes!' Eloise exclaimed.  
  
'I do not!' Raphael snapped, his eyes abruptly flickered to Ivy's cleavage then back to Eloise's eyes.  
  
'Tu es un hypocrite super! Et un idiot ici!' she snapped. With that she shoved open the door and entered.  
  
The room was mirrored, walls and everything! The stained glass windows cast a pattern of colours on the tiles. The organ at the back was gold and dark blue taking up an entire wall. The black-cloaked shape sat playing a slow ominous tone of evil.  
  
'Ah! It's a polka!' Maxi shrieked covering his ears. Siegfried swayed back and forth slowly. Ivy shook her head and stepped forwards. 'Show yourself leader!'  
  
The shape rose. 'Welcome my child.' the sinister voice said. And turned.  
  
'The Leader is a Woman!' Maxi gasped.  
  
'D'uh!' sighed Ivy and Eloise together. 'It's the ultimate Anti-Climax! Can you say you weren't expecting this?'  
  
Raphael shrugged. The woman approached. She wore a long velvet gown with leather trousers visible from the slits at the sides and back, a corset and frills around her cleavage. Her hair was shock white and she was in her forties but still looked good for her age. (Thanks to Soulless Beauty Products, $19.99 at your local Evil Overlord Shoppe, or call 1800- Evilincarnate-981)  
  
'I am Sapphire Solequiez that's Sol-ah-kwee-ayeh, mistress of Vanities. Welcome to my Fortress.'  
  
Her gloves were snakeskin and her dress was lined with it. She pressed a few keys on the organ and immediately panels sprang up in the floor. Lizard men leapt from them ready to attack.  
  
'That is the song that spells a fight' laughed the woman.  
  
'Wow, I have a new fear of "Ooom-papa"' Kilik murmured as the dozen lizard men circled them. 'Let us begin!' exclaimed Eloise. She lunged into the fight, twin rapiers flying expertly, pivoting in her hands.  
  
Raphael attacked. 'No Escape!' he snarled. Ivy curled her whip around herself and released the handle; it floated in the air and tugged on its own. Ivy spun like a top, lifting off the ground and striking with her hands the line of lizard men. Then spinning straight back to the hilt with a laugh. That last coil hadn't released her and she'd used her Infernal Yo- Yo to take out quite a few of the lizard beings.  
  
Siegfried spun the sword along the ground, slicing the legs from under the first lizard, blood spurting from the severed ankles as he sliced the thing in two and killed it. These were wild lizard men, old wooden shields and badly made swords.all but one. Its eyes glimmered with an intelligence eluding the others.  
  
'Karsos Bacconius' Maxi said as he attacked the intelligent one. His nanchukas making a hurricane of crushing pain. 'The man made a lizard!'  
  
'HSSSSSSSS' was the reply. Karsos blocked the nanchukas with his metal shield and slammed the butt of his blade into Maxi. A flip kick knocked Maxi to the ground. Karsos raised his sword over his head to strike down on the winded pirate.  
  
Kilik's staff struck him along the head. He collapsed. Maxi picked himself up and gave Kilik a thumbs up.  
  
Ivy and Eloise raced for Sapphire who was seated at her organ. 'TAKE THIS!' Sapphire shrieked angrily and began to play. 'The song of flames! And a -one-ah-and-a-two-ah!'  
  
'Blast another polka!' Maxi exclaimed. A jet of flame erupted from a tile, missing Ivy by a hairs breath. The flames spat upwards. Eloise leapt and flipped to avoid them while Ivy demonstrated a series of cartwheels and rolls to avoid blasts of heat shooting at her. Sapphire sped the pace up with a snarl.  
  
'BE SILENT!' Ivy shouted, the whip cracked out and snared Sapphire's neck. She was dragged backwards off her stool. The electric current shocked Valentine to release and left Ivy nursing the wounded blade. Sapphire rose and extended her hand. The batons materialized in her hands.  
  
'I'll punish you child!' she snarled she launched at Ivy with a banshee like scream, flying on the air. Eloise moved to slash out. Andreas's blades caught hers and knocked her off balance.  
  
'Out of the way Andreas' Eloise warned. 'Or I'll hurt you'  
  
'Look, I don't always agree with the boss but I have a reason to stick with her.'  
  
'You're loyal an noble?'  
  
'No. She's got a great dental and health care plan.'  
  
He deflected her slash but not her back flip kick. He spun into a blitzkrieg of spinning kicks and knocked her back.  
  
Ivy and Sapphire were hissing and snarling like cats. 'You'll fall CHILD! You're weak and spineless, like warm gelatine or a pillow.or some sort of elastic or rubber shape that can't stand alone!'  
  
'But that just means---' Ivy smiled a dark smile. 'I'm FLEXIBLE!' She cart wheeled backwards and launched Sapphire upwards. Her whip cracked out and encircled Sapphire in a cone without touching her, inches from her body. And then they constricted and retracted into the blade, launching Sapphire onto the organ.  
  
She hit a flat note and a blast of flame shot up, scorching Siegfrieds behind and earning a yelp. Ivy cracked her whip at sapphire. The batons crossed and trapped it in and X. Sapphire tugged. 'You're no match for an immortal like me child! No matter your heritage!'  
  
That sent Ivy's mind partially back to the night she'd fought her father.  
  
====A Year (and one badly placed flashback) Ago====  
  
Ivy stood on the rocky cliff. The pirate brandished the two swords carefully. They flew from his hands and circled him, orbiting his undead body. His white flesh was radiating a chill. But the iciness of his daughter outdid him.  
  
'I am not as evil as you think Ivy' he said in his rasping voice. 'I am merely a man, a man bound by a curse.like you are held!'  
  
He touched the swords as they floated before him. 'Come with me to hell! Join me on my boat of the damned! Once you do the side you hide away, the side of the immortal within you will be freed! You will live eternally; with more power then you could believe! You would never die!'  
  
'Everyone must die!' ivy shouted. Then, in a quieter tone, she said: 'You are my father, genuinely, you are.'  
  
'Indeed I am' he growled. Ivy took a step back, the essence of Valentine purred in her ears. 'I am your father' he repeated.  
  
'No' she said. 'My father died! In pursuit of a treasure!'  
  
She spun and cracked the links at Cervantes the pirate. His swords blocked the kin blade of their master's child. She retracted the blade elegantly and prepared for the fight. 'You will die! I must purge the evil that killed my true father!'  
  
'It killed two fathers for you child.you must come with me'  
  
Ivy whipped her blade against his hand as he extended his arm as if to lead her home to safety. She gripped the whip tighter and prepared once more, shaken by his aura of darkness. 'I will destroy the Blade!' she exclaimed. With a snap she swung the whip again, the swords flitted to his hands and he defended. 'Child, that was foolish!' He lunged at her she stepped backwards and swung her blade into his side as the thunder-clashed overhead.  
  
The battle raged between them on many levels. The symbiotic nature of the Ivy Blade and Ivy herself was overpowering in some ways. It evened up the fight between the pair. She spun and her whip spun around her leg as she planted it on her father's chest. It spun like a drill and sent sparks of flame flying from his torso. She leapt and her blade connected as she stabbed it into the ground and used it to fault her legs into her father's head. She slammed the soles of her feet into his nose and chin several times before flipping away and preparing.  
  
'So skilful, you have the grace of your mother.but you must come with me!' He surged forwards and slammed his shoulder into her. The immortal strength knocked the wind from her lungs and threw her away. The rain poured down, Ivy was growing weary as she fought, while her father continued laughing at how she would not embrace the immortal side that could give her strength.  
  
'I don't need it to defeat you!' she hissed. She pulled the tube of blue liquid from her cleavage and tossed it into the face of Cervantes. He screamed in anger and pain.  
  
'Ah! No! A fragranced corset by Victoria's secret! The perfumes in my eyes! And this potion isn't helping!'  
  
Ivy snapped her whip around his neck and it constricted. The segments twisted and sliced the head from his shoulders.  
  
'I hope that you can get better immortality then that' she snapped as she strode away to find the sword.  
  
===End flashback (wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble)=====  
  
Sapphire laughed as Eloise and Andreas went fighting bare fisted. Raphael rushed up the steps to aid her. A lizard man rushed into a tackle at him.and speared itself on his blade by accident.  
  
'Idiot!' Raphael snorted as he placed a boot on the lizard man and shoved it off, its brain leaking to the ground. He attacked Andreas. The men were locked in combat until. WHACK! Andreas roundhouse kicked Raphael off the platform of the organ and gave Ivy a jumping kick off the platform as well.  
  
'Boss! Bella's waiting in ITALY' he said. 'We can leave them'  
  
He cast an eye to the stunned Eloise on the ground, listening to him talk.  
  
'Very well!' Sapphire said. 'To the Secret Escape Route!'  
  
'The fire escape, yeah' Andreas nodded.  
  
'I said the Secret Escape Route' Sapphire snapped. '  
  
'All right sheesh! Its only secret because you took the flashing neon sign off the spot over the door!'  
  
'Get going' Sapphire snapped. She sat back at the organ. 'Prepare to meet your doom!' she called as she began to play. The floor flashed colours in synchronized patterns; the lights dimmed and abruptly something came from the ceiling, spinning on a cord. 'A ball of mirrors!' exclaimed Siegfried, rubbing his behind.  
  
'What DAMN! I didn't want to play "Staying Alive" I wanted "High On A Hill Live A Lonely Goat"' Sapphire snapped. The music cut and the floor ceased flashing. Maxi and Kilik paused mid dance routine. After an uncomfortable silence they heroes lined up. Eloise struggled to her feet and grabbed the rapiers. Sapphire continued to play, but a tendril of blue static snapped out and hurled Eloise back straight into Raphael and Siegfried.  
  
'DIE!' Sapphire laughed. The mirrors on the walls and pillars lifted up slightly and small hissing barrels rolled out. Ivy sniffed. 'That's a deadly mix of gunpowder and fire fuel that will shatter any fortress like an egg!'  
  
'How do you know?' Siegfried asked.  
  
'Because it says so on the barrels' Ivy said pointing. 'Old Granny Greene's Deadly Mix Of Gunpowder And Fire Fuel That Will Shatter Any Fortress Like An Egg'  
  
'Ah I see it now' Siegfried said putting a small pair of glasses on. 'I'm a bit short-sighted sometimes.mainly when it's foggy'  
  
'Gentlemen, please!' Ivy snapped. 'We have very little time, LET'S GO!'  
  
Raphael cast a glance at Andrea, Karsos and Sapphire darted from the old fire escape. 'Blast! Let's go!' he shouted.  
  
Ivy hurriedly opened a pouch on her belt. 'We don't have time for a mad dash.this device will help us'  
  
'What is it?' Maxi asked looking at the bronze device with mahogany buttons.  
  
'I call it the Remote' shrugged Ivy. She pressed a button.  
  
===========And Later.after a lazy author===  
  
'Well I hope she kept the receipt for that island' Maxi said as he watched the fortress was reduced to blazing ruins. Valentine coiled around Ivy's waist.  
  
'We will never find her now!' Raphael growled.  
  
'We have Eloise' Siegfried said firmly.  
  
Raphael twisted firmly. 'True but we must find them, they must be punished!' 'We have no idea where they're going' Kilik pointed out.  
  
'They're in Italy' Eloise said sitting up in Siegfrieds arms. 'You can put me down cher, they have gone to Italy to meet a woman named Bella'  
  
'But Italy is an entire company!' exclaimed Raphael. 'We cannot search for that long?'  
  
'They must be stopped' Eloise said. 'They have.plans. They are searching for the pieces of a weapon known as The Hellbiter. C'est trés dangereux!'  
  
'How dangerous?' Ivy asked.  
  
'End of the world dangerous' Eloise said. 'With it the user wields a single power. End. The end of whatever they wish.'  
  
'Nice' Maxi said. 'Good luck with that!'  
  
Kilik glanced sharply at Maxi. 'We have to help them!'  
  
'Sorry, but there's a nice Hawaiian island with this ship, crew and captain's name on it.literally Maxinirvanacrew is longwinded but so nice.'  
  
Ivy strode after him as he climbed up to the wheel. 'Maxi a word' she said firmly. He gave a short nod. 'All right, but its no good, we're headed to the island.' Ivy pursed her lips into a cold smile. 'What?'  
  
'I'll give you this if you take us to Italy.'  
  
She showed him the contents of the bag. Maxi bit his lip. It was a very strange offer, he looked at it closely. Apparently it was also accurate and tempting.  
  
=============================  
  
Kilik looked at Ivy and Maxi, they had their backs to the others and were talking about something at the wheel. 'What's she doing?'  
  
'Showing her ankles?' Eloise asked.  
  
Raphael laughed. 'No doubt offering a glimpse of her cleavage for passage' 'It wouldn't work on Maxi. He's a dandy not stupid'  
  
'And he's male and not blind' Siegfried mumbled.  
  
Eloise laughed. 'Kilik is correct, that is neither going to work or what Mademoiselle Valentine intends.'  
  
She walked away into the hold with a smile on her lips, which was getting to irritate the men. The crew scampered after her, simpering about what they could do for the fragile looking figure.  
  
'We're going to Italy' Maxi shouted. 'Hey Kilik, come here!'  
  
Kilik frowned and followed Maxi into the cabins. Siegfried and Raphael looked at one another. 'What did she do?'  
  
'Cleavage?'  
  
'No'  
  
'Ankles?'  
  
Raphael looked at Ivy across from him and brushed his hair from his eyes. He strode after her as she walked for the door to the cabins. He blocked her way with his arm. 'Lady Valentine.what did you do to convince Maxi?'  
  
She brushed a hand along his angular jaw. 'Come into the parlour' she said. 'And all will be revealed'.  
  
Raphael's eyes drifted down, she gripped his chin firmly and forced him to gaze into the unusual blue eyes. His breath rattled as he attempted to lean in on her. She ducked aside and he kissed the doorframe. Eloise ducked under his arm as she emerged. 'So trying to get lucky uncle' she laughed. 'I hope you and the doorframe are very happy together. No doubt the children will be chips off the old block or the leaders of a splinter group'.  
  
Raphael ignored her and slowly walked towards the cabin that Ivy had gotten and intended to share with Eloise. Her clothes lay discarded on the floor while her shape was visible thanks to the elegant light of the flaming island in the distance. She was silhouetted behind the folding screen. She stepped out in the flowing white dress with the corset of leather.  
  
'Hello Mr Sorel' she said in a sultry voice. Raphael shuddered with a strange pleasure as she moved closer to him and ran her hands up his chest. 'Wonder how I got us pass to Italy?' she breathed into his ear.  
  
'Yes' Raphael said swallowing his thoughts and the lump in his throat. 'Do share.what did you promise?'  
  
Ivy laid back on the small gold wood and purple cushion of a settee lying elegantly. 'I went to finishing school' she said. 'You should see some of the things I learned when I sneaked out to the village.'  
  
Raphael slowly walked over and sat on the edge as his arm leaned on the wall of the settee and trapped her there in theory. Ivy ran her hands up his chest to rest on his shoulders. 'All kinds of everything.like this'  
  
Raphael looked around as his belt flew off past his head. Yet her hands were still on his shoulders.how did she manage that?  
  
'Magic' she said. 'I am a witch after all.'  
  
She paused. 'Oh yes.here's the answer to what I gave Maxi'. The sound of bedsprings came from across the hall and rather lewd grunts and moans.  
  
'I gave him an aphrodisiac' she sighed. 'A pretty potent one too, they'll be at it like rabbits for a good five hours.and neither will walk straight for a few days.'  
  
'Eloise is the only other woman on board' Raphael exclaimed as he rushed towards the door. 'You had no right.'  
  
Valentine snapped around his waist and tugged him back to the settee. 'Actually that's Maxi and Kilik at it like rabbits. Dear Eloise is currently playing strip poker with the pirates'- she laughed as Raphael's eyes widened. She rose and walked over to the door, brushing her body past Raphael deliberately. She opened the door and Raphael watched Eloise walk past with a wheelbarrow of clothes and missing one boot.  
  
'Stripes cheated' she said to Ivy as she wiggled her toes. She was still dressed in the piratical suit from the tower and Raphael wanted to tell her to change. Ivy glared at him. 'I assume you're going to own all their clothes by the end of the night?'  
  
'Yes' Eloise said. And with that she set off with the wheelbarrow to the storeroom. 'Just as soon as I finish moving these to the storeroom and lock the door.'  
  
Raphael looked at Ivy. 'So you gave Maxi and Kilik a love potion?'  
  
'And that Naughty Boy Book'  
  
'Ah.' Raphael said. Ivy strode forwards and gently shoved him out the door.  
  
'Goodnight Monsieur Sorel' she sighed and slammed the door. He stared at the wood and groaned.  
  
'Put a leash on it mon oncle' Eloise purred as she strode past him.  
  
NEXT: Italy! And another plot twist! Well a better one.I hope.why, am I explaining myself to you? Humph! You humans always so sure of yourselves! I don't need you! Oh wait.. yes I do.REVIEW ME! Tell me what you think of the characters, any suspicions about the plot. Even Ideas (you'll get credit). And possibly love for Siegfried. maybe an OC or maybe a game character.plus a few cameos! Thank the General for getting me to add the MaxiKilik thing in 


	5. Toxic Ivy

Toxic Ivy  
  
L'il Miss Moira: Hmm still alive? Curses you're resourceful! My Kung fu troops go the addresses wrong again! Seriously, I can't wait to read a Siggy fic. He's actually a cool character (but I'm a stickler for those with evil sides) and I am positive you'll do a good job. Ciao Bella.  
  
Jia-DarkHole-Sun: Talim is a cool character and she's getting a main role next up and a little romance too! Serious! Just guess who it is!  
  
A/N: I have news! Kilik and Maxi's relationship will be examined. Well the fact they don't really have one. Also my comedy in this is a little rushed. I need some inspiration here as I'm drying up. Stay tuned, I know I'm bad but if you stick with me I might pull through.  
  
Italy= As the Nirvana sailed around Europe on a Magical Wind  
  
'I don't like these foods' Andreas said poking the baked dough crescent filled with full tomatoes, herbs and meats. 'Its not imaginative, if they puréed the tomatoes and sliced the herbs at least...'  
  
'Stop complaining!' snapped Sapphire as the carriage rumbled through Rome towards the city centre. 'The Hellbiter is in reach!'  
  
'Yay' Andreas yawned. 'And Bella gets to try and stick her hand down my trousers again. Does she have to run her hands up and down the small of my back? I know my leather shirt stops at my shoulder blades so she doesn't need to point it out!'  
  
'Be pleased my daughter takes an interest in your body boy' Sapphire said. 'Who else could ever love a wretched half-breed like you! ? Your impure blood repels demons and humans alike!'  
  
'Never heard the women complain' Andreas muttered.  
  
'They didn't know what a vile spawn you were. No wonder your mother abandoned you!' Sapphire sneered at the young man. He said nothing as he pulled the leather mask on and wrapped his dark green sash around it. The garb of an assassin.  
  
'Does the newt have to stick his head out the window? He's scaring the locals and getting drool on the finish...hey head in, tongue in eyes open! Don't make me get the newspaper' Andreas snapped.  
  
He hated being like this with the one time human. But the being had lost all human civility. Now it tore into its meals.  
  
'Eat your pazzi' Sapphire said firmly, referring to the thing in his hands. 'A Pazzi is good for the growing assassin'  
  
'Since when have you cared?' sighed Andreas.  
  
'Eat'  
  
ON THE NIRVANA== in Maxi's cabin  
  
'I should by Ivy nice flowers' Maxi said as Kilik nestled his head in the pirate's arms. 'Or a new thong...yeah a new thong for Ivy...'  
  
Kilik said nothing as he stared at his staff in the corner. 'Maxi...do you love me?'  
  
Maxi choked on the breath he'd inhaled through his nose. 'Sorry? When we got together it was because neither of us wanted emotions or crap like that clouding our judgement. I mean we'd never even been with anyone else...like...before...even me... you want eggs?'  
  
Kilik bit his lip. 'Answer my question'  
  
'No'  
  
'Good, just checking'  
  
'You?'  
  
'Nah, you're just comfort'  
  
'I feel special.'  
  
'So do I' Kilik said. 'I'm just something to occupy you on the trips. It's not like we do much in the line of the heavy stuff...we're just...platonic bed partners.' He sat up and Maxi swung his legs out of bed.  
  
'Get some rest' Maxi said. 'I'll call you when Ivy's wind gets us to Italy.'  
  
'Okay' Killik nodded. He lay back on the wide ornate bed. 'See you later... and remember what'll happen if you make a pass at Eloise'  
  
Maxi pulled on his trousers, lacing the fronts up and blew a kiss to Kililk. The younger boy swatted the imaginary lips and winked at his friend.  
  
The pirates outside were wearing makeshift clothes. Eloise was sitting at a table as they lined up to buy back their clothes. Raphael and Siegfried stood on either side much to Eloise's apparent chagrin. Ivy was steering the ship dressed in a pair of dark red leather pants, a dark red leather bodice and dark red leather gloves. The sides of the pants were laced up tightly with ribbon; otherwise they would have fallen off... if only enough wish power made things happen...because that was on the minds of every male, even Siegfried...the golden haired puritan was blushing furiously. The sales were full of a strong wind conjured by Ivy.  
  
'Avast! Fair's she well?' Maxi asked. Ivy looked at him for a moment.  
  
'Oh! The boat! Yes we're going to reach Italy by tomorrow morning. And there won't be anymore toilet breaks! You boys should have gone before we left!' The pirates hung their heads.  
  
It's a common belief that pirates lead unsanitary and low down rotten lives... okay so its partially true. But they don't use the ocean as a giant chamber pot. That's a really good way to get "helpful dolphins who lead lost sailors home" to become "helpful dolphins that lead lost sailors to sharp rocks and make static laughs as the sharks chomp on the survivors".  
  
Maxi raised his telescope to one eye. 'I could be on that nice little Island Maxinirvanacrew if it weren't for Ivy and her damn potions.'  
  
'Arrrr! A woman aboard the boat be bad luck...and there be two of them' the oldest and most superstitious pirate said. Hobbling forwards on his twin peg legs. That was Patch...ironically he hadn't got an eye patch. Not even a bald one.  
  
'Patch' Ivy called. The elderly man looked up, and watched; as Ivy raised her red leather covered leg and tugged the trouser leg up past her ankle. Patch keeled over from a heart attack. 'Any other troubles with women on board?'  
  
No one spoke up. Maxi surveyed the sea and smiled. 'Avast! There be a ship to the Port side!' All pirates looked in the opposite direction. 'Other way!' he groaned.  
  
'A crew who can't tell which side is which, great' sighed Eloise. She handed the last of the clothes back and counted up the money. 'I'll need a bigger brazier' she said.  
  
A pirate opened his mouth to say something and found a blade at his throat. Raphael frowned. 'You wanted to say something?'  
  
'Nope' the pirate squeaked as he soiled himself.  
  
'Let's raid it!' Maxi exclaimed.  
  
'No' Ivy said. 'We have to get to Rome, and traffic on the Tiber is tragic...how much oil can a gumboil boil if a gumboil could boil oil. Damn, finishing school rubs off on a girl...'  
  
Maxi pouted. 'Please! Please Ivy! Can we please, please, please, please, please, please raid the ship?'  
  
Ivy frowned. 'No!'  
  
'Yes, we have to get to Italy' Raphael said firmly.  
  
'Shut up ponce boy!' Maxi snapped.  
  
'Blow it out your ear you rent boy!' Raphael snipped.  
  
'You'd know all about that Raphael. What with your desperation...'  
  
'At least I have good hair!'  
  
Maxi's jaw dropped. 'My hair is prettier! Way prettier! Yours is puffy and flat! Go get a conditioner!'  
  
Raphael and Maxi broke into the argument until Valentine cracked like thunder. Ivy frowned at the pair. 'Hush up or I'll turn this boat around!' she warned. 'Now say you're sorry and we'll stop to consider raiding the boat...'  
  
Maxi kicked the boards and mumbled a sorry as Raphael gave a loud harrumph and crossed his arms win a pout. Ivy cracked her whip across his backside and he yelped a quick sorry. Ivy sighed. 'All right, we'll have a five minute stop and raid the boat then we get back on the road...'  
  
Maxi leapt up beside her. 'Can I drive?'  
  
'You're the captain' Ivy sighed as she marched off, the sharp heels clicking as she moved. She looked to Eloise and nodded her head to the top of the boat, shaped like a siren. The pair stood looking over the waters.  
  
'Have you seen the part of the Hellbiter?' Ivy asked.  
  
'The necklace showed it to me last night...its in a large room where the cult are searching, with many other weapons. They're Sapphires Cult, the Sijiou Clan. The four other pieces scattered across Europe. I know they are in Spain, France and Italy...but the forth eludes me.'  
  
Ivy nodded. 'Raphael worries...that you will hurt yourself...'  
  
'I'm a big girl' Eloise said. 'I can handle myself.'  
  
'I saw' Ivy nodded. 'He's a good man, but not very big on the female empowerment of this world. A bit foolish, after all behind every great man...'  
  
There was a silence. 'Were you planning on finishing that sentence?' asked Eloise. 'Or was it one of those drift-offs?'  
  
'A drift off' confirmed Ivy. 'Ah, one of his majesty of Portugal's boats. King Dudley will be mightily peeved.' She strode along to line up with the pirates along the side of the boat as Maxi signalled to Siegfried to pull the heavy old leaver near the wheel. Normally it would have taken three men to force it down. But Sigmund simply took it in one hand and pulled down. It clunked and the spike tipped cables shot from the side of the boat. They latched into the ornate sides of the Portuguese vessel and held it too close for the cannons to fire.  
  
'Why didn't they fire on us?' Raphael asked.  
  
'Well we were magically fast and agile in the water' Maxi said. 'Plus I dazzled them with the large mirror in the sirens hands'  
  
'Clever' Siegfried smiled. 'Very clever way to blind an enemy, place a mirror on the front of the ship!'  
  
'Not really' Kilik said. 'I put it there because he was in love with his reflection'  
  
'Snide remark' Maxi said. 'Should I care? It worked out all right. I can blind my foes, you got your brains bonked out'  
  
'Too much information' Raphael said.  
  
'We're not in love' Kilik said. 'We're just bed buddies...I'll just shut up'. Everyone nodded.  
  
The line of musketeers and nobles with swords prepared for a fight. Ivy smirked and tossed the small pouch into the air. The plume of purple smoke blinded their foes as they swung across.  
  
'Eloise! Where do you think you're going! ?' Raphael snapped.  
  
Eloise looked at the rope in her hand and the boat across from herself. 'The croquet pitch?' she shrugged before swinging away in her leather bodice and trousers, red sash flying.  
  
Raphael gave a growl and swung after her.  
  
Ivy saw the trio of noble men striding forth. She looked at Valentine. 'Good idea' she said. She raised her trouser leg; the sight of her ankles caused a nobleman to faint. She leaned forwards a little and the sight of her cleavage rendered another unconscious. The sturdiest moved slowly forwards. She sighed, turned around and bent over to pick up a penny. The man smiled and collapsed. 'Well, that was easy' she said as she countered a blade from a soldier and kicked him over the side of the boat.  
  
Raphael moved swiftly, hand on his hip blade swishing quickly. He pressed it to the throat of one man, and then swept in with rapid stabs that pierced the man's body. He pivoted and caught the three blades on his own. 'All for one and one for all' he grinned. 'Catch your moustaches before they fall!' he swiped out and shaved the facial hair from the men. They yelped and rushed away as he moved swiftly back and forth stopping as a man rushed at him, taking a step backwards and slitting open the mans stomach, allowing him to crash over the side of the boat.  
  
Kilik caught the first man on his staff, the tip of the Kali-Yuga in his gut before he was raised up on it and slammed onto another man. 'I'm rather happy with how this is going' he said as he vaulted his legs into a soldier's chest and swung upwards, balancing on the vertical pole. He swept down and slammed onto the two men. He rolled along the ground, slamming his staff onto a few luckless men. He curled into a crouch and spun, his staff slicing the legs from under the men surrounding him. He rose and dusted his short yellow jacket off. 'Yeah, this is good for me'.  
  
Maxi whirled like a hurricane. His weapon was obscured in a blitz of movement. His flip kicks sent soldiers wheeling back as he smashed his nanchuka into the skull of a noble. The powdered wigs were not sturdy headgear. 'Hah! Hair like that deserves a good pummelling!' he exclaimed. He tossed his long quiff off his face and pivoted slamming a soldier in the side of the head and off the boat as he spun his nanchuka on his foot in a handstand, the hapless man before him crashed backwards. 'Next up?'  
  
Siegfried looked at the men pummelling his armoured torso with their fists. 'Was there a purpose to this?' he asked. They'd been easy to disarm, but like annoying flies wouldn't leave him alone. He picked open up by the scruff of the neck and tossed him over the shoulder. Years of muscle and sturdy armour protected him from injury. He placed a hand on the head of another man, his arm length keeping the man away. He wasn't that much taller, but when someone wants to believe something for the sake of their egos they usually let themselves believe it. He yawned and field-goal- kicked the man across the deck. The line of swordsmen lined up for a charge, their rapiers held firmly. Siegfried closed his eyes in meditation and pulled his huge blade from across his back. When he opened his eyes the men were gone and distant splashes could be heard (as they threw themselves off the boat).  
  
Eloise held the twin rapiers in her hands as the men circled her smirking. 'I amn't male, nor am I as anatomically gifted as Ivy...well its only a teeny difference but still I have black lace over my...look can we get to the attack?' she asked. The first man moved at her, she stepped aside and parried his blows, kicking up into his gut and sliding her blade through his side. 'Can we begin?' she sighed. The captain in his large hat stepped forwards. He moved forwards, slashing the air with a look of smug superiority on his face. Eloise looked at the other soldiers as they backed off to cheer and smiled. She slid her other blade into a sheath.  
  
The captain lunged, she slapped the blade down and back flipped kicking him in the face firmly. He stumbled but lunged again; she struck his blades off to one side as she twisted into a sideways flip and landed to block his frantic swipe. 'By the way, why do you men keep your pain centre outside?' she kicked him in the groin twice. 'Seems illogical to me...' He buckled and Eloise kneed him in the head. He shot upwards with a yelped as she grabbed a hold of him.  
  
She kneed him in the groin (ding-ding), rolled onto his back, twisting into a handstand before launching herself up feet first on her arms, twisting and slamming her feet down on him. He crumpled into a dead pile. She looked at the men. 'This might be bad' she murmured as she realized how many surrounded her. Valentine coiled around the leg of one and swung him into two of his comrades before discarding him like a rag doll. Ivy snapped a leg into the chest of another and swung Valentine into his face. He shot away as she cart wheeled backwards and drop kicked another man with her legs. She twisted and rose and to a flying knee before slashing down. Eloise dispatched two men easily as they lunged at her. She deflected their blades and slashed their guts open. Ivy strolled up, apparently unaware of the man readying himself behind her.  
  
'Are you injured Eloise?' she asked. Eloise shook her head. Ivy turned her body but not her head, pointing her blade at the man. 'Save me some time darling would you or I'll have to trounce you...' The man swallowed as Valentine twisted into a snaking form in the air. And promptly threw himself off the boat.  
  
'There are you satisfied now?' Ivy asked as her wind blew them towards Italy. 'We raided the ship.' Maxi was rolling around in the riches they'd pilfered. 'All right?'  
  
'Yeah' he said with a sigh. Killik had a lopsided wig on his head. 'Hah! You look like a poof'  
  
'Considering what you do together, he is' Raphael said simply. Maxi shrugged and nodded as he rose. 'No on to Italy!' the Frenchman said as Maxi walked to the small doors at the upper deck of the boat and opened the way to the storage room. Eloise climbed out with a sigh, holding various weapons. 'Thanks darling' she said. She tossed her hair again and moved off into her room clutching the various blades. Ivy whistled.  
  
'Italy dead ahead!' she shouted. The pirates cheered and roared. Raphael looked to Ivy. 'Well Lady Isabella we're nearly there...'  
  
Ivy pursed her lips in a sultry way and then smiled. 'And we made good time too...' she winked as they passed the floating sign with an arcane instruction attached to it: "Welcome to Italy home of the Pazzi".  
  
Sapphire looked at her daughter with a cool glance. Bella was running her hands up Andreas's back as he lay on the crimson couch in the mansions upper bedrooms. Sapphire puffed a blue-purple cloud of smoke out and returned her stiletto cigarette holder to her dark red lips. 'And you say they were all dead?'  
  
'Sliced – like – stapa' Bella said gesturing to the large thick plates of creamy white food that were covered in a dollop of sauce on her tea service. They were long and rolled up usually, a mouthful of starchy food. Italian cuisine of the highest quality that one could see being hung outside a kitchen anywhere in the city. 'Such a sweet taste' Bella breathed as she licked at Andreas's lips. He was a little dazed and the chain around his waist was sapping his strength.  
  
'I'll leave you two alone' sighed Sapphire. 'Whatever haunts those caverns...well I will deal with it personally.'  
  
Bella smirked as she leaned down on the struggling Andreas. 'I'm so glad you came' she chuckled darkly.  
  
The Murderer sighed and relaxed in the dark alley. Here that was his name, The Murderer and he made sure to attack only the people he was positive were women. The escapade in England had been a real eye opener to not judge people with long blonde hair as women. He hobbled back into the darkness of the setting sun.  
  
'I told you raiding the ship wouldn't mess up our schedule' Maxi smirked as they paced down the street. Your magic wind got us here before the morning! Long before! It was easy'  
  
Ivy said nothing as she walked along the street. 'We had to row down the Tiber' she said firmly. 'And Siegfried was rowing...ergo we nearly had whiplash thanks too his overly powerful shoulders!' She patted the steel shoulder pads of the tall German beside her.  
  
She stopped at a tavern and pushed the door open. 'This will do' she said. She entered swiftly, the smoky jovial atmosphere home to various sailors on the Tiber River who sailed down it as part of Operation Flow Free by Queen Hilda of Italy. All eye settled on the entrants as they walked to the bartender. 'Rooms' Ivy said. 'Four. If you have them'  
  
The bartender/owner shook his head. 'No rooms'  
  
Ivy shook her head. Raphael stepped forwards. 'Let me try to explain. When a woman says this...' he had opened a small well-studied book from his back pocket and was pressing a finger down just above a line. 'She means this' he drew his finger along to a bolder print on the next page.  
  
The man yelped and covered his groin. 'Four rooms!' he squeaked and hurriedly tossed four keys to them. Ivy smiled and batted her eyelashes before walking up the stairs. She and Eloise took two rooms. 'You boys can share' she said. Eloise smiled as she slammed the door in unison with Ivy's. The two doors clicked with a lock and left the four men outside.  
  
'I'll share with Maxi' Kilik chirped.  
  
'Now we'll never get to sleep' Siegfried grimaced as the pair entered the room and left the blondes outside. He looked to his friend. Raphael just shrugged.  
  
'Just enter the room sideways Siegfried, or you'll get stuck again'  
  
Siegfried paused and nodded as he sidled in.  
  
Eloise zipped across the city, the astral eye humming through the streets on a spirit level none could see. She passed the taverns and along the cobbled streets. 'I must find it...I must seek relentlessly...uuuuuww! Half price off all Italian leather goods!' she sped along the streets. 'Focus Eloise! We must stop --Bolognaise Avenue got it--Sapphire!  
  
She sped through the streets and halted. Andreas was directing two Berserkers into a building with a crate between them. A woman was draped over him trying to unlatch his chest armour. Eloise did her best to ignore that... she sped towards the door and was instantly back in her body.  
  
'How did that happen?' she breathed as she unfolded from lotus position. 'Some sort of magic? Well...that's a given.'  
  
Ivy zipped up her leather cat suit; well she zipped it up to her naval and closed a small belt across her upper body. She picked up Valentine. 'Yes this is a good idea! I can do it myself. I'm just following a hunch!' The blade looked sceptical. Well, as sceptical as a blade could.  
  
Ivy dropped out her window onto a shed roof and leapt over the sidewall into the street. Slowly she rushed along the street, her blade coiled around her waist. A shadow gripped her shoulders and dragged her into an alley. A tongue lapping her neck. 'You taste nice' he rasped. Ivy was leant backwards at an awkward angle but that didn't stop her. She snapped her leg up her body and kicked her assailant in the side of the neck. He stumbled back and lunged again. Ivy caught his arm and spun into his body, she swung her leg straight up her body again and shattered his nose. He shrieked like a girl. Ivy stared as he flailed around.  
  
'Well, you're not that intimidating anymore' she sighed. She snapped Valentine out. 'Go there!' she commanded. Her whip coiled around the man's neck and dragged him to her. 'You may want to start running...' she advised.  
  
The man shrieked and turned to run. 'Watch the---' Ivy tried to warn the man but he fell down the sewer hole anyway. 'Never mind'  
  
'AAAAAA-splash' Ivy listened patiently. 'GAAAAH! Crocod-aaaaaaaahhhhh!'  
  
'So there are crocodiles in the sewers...colour me surprised'  
  
She turned the corner towards the house. Andreas stood there. 'I knew I heard something' he said. Valentine hissed at him. He swept backwards and the blade clinked off his steel and leather gauntlets. He wore the same dark leather outfit that stopped at his shoulder blades. He wasn't wearing his mask; his features flawless in the moonlight, the silver shone on him like an angel.  
  
Ivy spun and cracked her whip. Andreas blocked again and smirked. 'Look behind you he smirked. Valentine sent a warning to its mistress but she didn't turn on time. The staff struck her across the head and rendered her unconscious. Valentine slid to the ground with a faint clink.  
  
Eloise sat up with a jolt in her bed. 'Raphael!' she shouted. Her "uncle" burst in the door. 'What is it?'  
  
'Countess Isabella is in trouble!' Eloise said. 'Serious trouble'  
  
'We mustn't waste a minute!' Raphael exclaimed. He bounded from the room in his small under clothes and open shirt.  
  
'Dear lord he's in love' Eloise sighed as she swung herself out of bed.  
  
The prickling wasn't going. Siegfried could feel the person watching him. He turned around swiftly and looked into the shadows of the alley. He was standing outside waiting for the others. He slammed his hand into the darkness. A shape dodged him and in a flourish of a cloak they were gone a perfume hung in the air.  
  
'Who was that?' he wondered.  
  
She'd seen him...first step complete, she knew who he was and now she had to get back to work and report to the Baron through her carrier pigeons. P- mail was reliable.  
  
Raphael and the others hurried along the street. Eloise guided them her long black and red cloak flowing behind her. 'We must go here' she said. She pointed at the large house. 'In there!'  
  
'Beware the Frogs?' Maxi read incredulously from the gatepost. 'Don't they mean dogs?'  
  
Eloise took a step back. 'Frogs, trust me! Frogs!'  
  
The two frogmen skipped forwards. Their bulging eyes locking on the targets near the gates. The tongue lashed out at Eloise. She flipped to one side and landed on one knee. 'Naughty boy' she sniffed.  
  
Raphael twisted aside and landed a slash on the tongue. The frog croaked angrily as Raphael pointed at the walls to the others. They nodded as he danced aside from the tongues lashing through the bars of the gate.  
  
Kilik vaulted his body up and landed his body on the wall by stretching it from the very tip of his staff. Maxi looked at Raphael as the Frenchman pirouetted and performed a graceful ballet leap away from a long pink tongue. Maxi looked to Eloise. 'Mademoiselle?'  
  
'No thank you' she said as she took a few steps back, turned around and began to back flip. She flipped straight up the wall and somersaulted onto the wide stone roof.  
  
'How will we deal with the frog men?' asked Siegfried.  
  
'I have an idea!' chirped Eloise. Siegfried was looking down at the frogs when Eloise's boot connected with his backside and flung him off the wall into a flip as he landed on his back on top of the frog men. Maxi was at the base of the wall. He stretched the chain of his nanchukas and Raphael took a run, using the chain as a springing foothold the French swordsman shot up and over the wall. Kilik dropped down after giving the end of his staff to maxi to pull the pirate up.  
  
They landed. 'You stepped on the masters begonias' a squeaky woman's voice chirped. The group of heroes turned to look, but the cloud of pink-purple vapour engulfed them...spinning their minds, distorting their vision...ending this chapter on a minor cliffhanger.  
  
Will Eloise be eliminated? Will Maxi be Murdered? Killik Killed? Siegfried Slaughtered? Raphael Removed? Ivy Incapacitated? And what of the women? The romance for Siegfried? Same time tomorrow Night! Same Soul Calibur time, same Soul Calibur Channel! Now with added ankle bearing!  
  
Evil Me: Roll the credits  
  
Eloise: They're stuck...  
  
Ivy: Siegfried! Pin the flash cards to your back and I'll let you lick honey off my stomach  
  
Siegfried: (blushes) aren't you with Raphael.  
  
Ivy: I have two words for you. Finishing school.  
  
Everyone: OOHH! WE GET IT  
  
Evil Me: I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew. I will hire a trained broadcasting crew.  
  
A/N2: Next chapter will be more like the previous ones. By the way what do you think of the Relationships and OC's? Feedback makes me not kill my therapist (I'm on my 29th and he's only been in the ICU once in four months! Yay me! ^_^ Just kidding...maybe...) 


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